Attack on Alpaca
by awfullybad
Summary: Attack on Titan AU in which Allen can transform into Lady Gaga when he bites himself. This thrilling oneshot follows the infamous trial episode, where Allen's fate will be determined by men much stranger than he.


"And it was from that moment on that I was determined to hunt down and kill every last bowl cut. …Fuck._Titan_. I meant to say _titan_."

At age nine, Allen watched his mother be devoured by a titan. But what was more upsetting than seeing her body brutally severed and mutilated as she screamed for help was the titan's haircut. The infamously horrid bowl cut was an image burned into Allen's brain, and it continued to haunt his nightmares for the last ten years.

"It was fucking atrocious. Shame on that titan's mother for letting him go out in public like that," Allen concluded.

The baffled courtroom fell silent, and one of the spectators shouted out through the quiet, "Titans don't have mothers!"

"Well that gives them and the main cast of this show and something in common."

The commander cleared his throat, "Okay, but ya do realize I ain't ask you why you decided to join the military…" There were several commanders, but Commander Dunhill was the only _the_ commander. He and his subtle Southern accent were presiding over this peculiar hearing. "I only asked you if you could _become_a titan."

The issue? Whether Allen—a seemingly unique individual with the ability to turn into a giant naked pop idol monster—was to go to the Scouting Legion or be deemed too dangerous to control and put to death. It was all pretty fucked up, but desperate times called for desperate measures.

"Well, there. You got my backstory anyway. Consider yourself lucky."

The representative from the Military Police cleared his throat. "I'd like to present our case."

Commander Dunhill stroked his beard. "Well? Get on with it, hush puppy!"

"Sir, Allen may have aided the troops in regaining Trost, but he cannot be trusted. We have no reason to believe that he can control his 'powers,' or if he'll continue to use them for good. In fact… we'd like to bring it to your attention that it was reported that in his titan form, Allen tried twerrking on a fellow trainee." Gasps were heard around the courtroom. "We'd like to bring your attention to girl over there to the girl with the soulless eyes and the ascot."

Ever pair of eyes in the room were locked onto ever stoic Yuri. She was one of Allen's closest friends, having lived as his sister and sworn protector. The ascot she kept around her neck at all times was a precious gift that Allen had given after they murdered three men in cold blood. The nine year old fashionista in the making had told her that it help her to not look so boring.

"Yuri," Dunhill called. "Is this true? Did Allen really try to twerk on you in his titan form?"

Yuri clenched her teeth and stole a glance at Allen. Naturally he was scared, but she could tell there was a glint of pride in his eyes; Although she had narrowly escaped death during the encounter, she had to admit that he did know how to shake dat ass.

Then she looked to her left. Rod, their childhood friend and quite possibly Allen's butt buddy (nobody knew for sure) was giving her a reassuring look. He hated the thought of losing Allen, but he always had this optimism about him. Usually it was stupid, but in times like this, Yuri was glad his determination could strengthen her own convictions.

Finally, she looked straight into Dunhill's eyes. Lying would help no one. No, she needed to be brave. "Yes…"

"There it is, Commander! Allen is a threat to our society! We can't have our men out there on the battlefield with a mindless twerking machine! Plus, he's a complete dick and nobody likes him."

Chatter rose up on the side of Military Police. A Wallist and several civilians began shouting off things about how Allen was a monster that needed to be killed for the sack of the the regions that had not yet been invaded by titans. After minutes of their pathetic shouting, Allen could take no of it.

"Listen up, limp dicks!" He shouted above their noise, immediately causing them to stop and stare at him. "You're cowards, all of you! And I am completely disgusted by your looks! You! Why the fuck did you think it was okay to wear socks AND flip flops?! And you! Tan and brown? Oh, and don't you dare get me started on you, Wallist… shame on you for wearing Uggz out in public! You make me sick! And are those mullets I see?! Someone please grab me a pair of scissors so that I can SAVE YOU FROM YOURSELVES!"

Allen's words echoed in their minds as the courtroom fell silent once again in fear.

"Allen…." Yuri said quietly, breaking the silence. "You're steaming hot…"

The protagonist grinned. "I know."

"No… I mean… you're literally steaming…"

"Oh."

Suddenly Allen's head spun as an intense pain shot through his jaw and neck. His tooth was on the ground, and after the initial shock he was able to look up.

It was Lance Corporal Neil, staring down at him with wild, beady eyes. He practically snarled, "My mother has a mullet, you douchebag."

Before Allen could come back with a snarky jab, Neil's knee connected with his face. The beating began; Neil continued to lay into Allen relentlessly as the courtroom watched in utter shock and bewilderment. Yuri, now filled with a mild rage, started to lunge forward until Rod stopped her.

"Got something to say about mullets now? Not so smart are you when your rib cage is fractured, huh? Yeah. Take it. I do this to guys like you every day for my morning routine. Your mom won't be able to recognize you when I'm finished. Say something about my hot pink trench coat, I fucking dare you. Oh, what's that? You can't talk when your mouth is filled with blood?"

Neil finally stopped when Allen was bleeding from several orifices and gasping for air. The lance corporal stepped away and shot a look toward the Military Police-it was the most threatening and sinister look they had ever seen, and they shivered with fear.

Charles, the head commander of the Scouting Legion, cleared his throat. "We rest our case, Commander."

Dunhill's eyes bugged out. "Wait, that was your case? He just beat the darn hay outta him!"

Neil turned his head slowly until his glare met the Commander's eyes. For the first time in years, Dunhill felt true terror. A terror that no titan had even given him, even when he'd been looking down is throat. It was as if he was looking right into the windows of Hell itself.

Dunhill swallowed. "Welp, this concludes our lil session, here. Allen goes to the Scouting Legion and the Military Police can suck on ma' trouser snake. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to scoot on home and bathe in holy water."

Neil looked back to Allen. "Hear that, asshole? Looks like you're stuck with us."

Though blood was running from his mouth and nose and he couldn't feel his face, Allen managed to grin. "Honey, it's you boys who are stuck with me."


End file.
